The Pains Of Christmas Shopping

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Christmas, it’s a time of joy and goodwill to all men and woman. Obviously anyone who says this has never experienced shopping in the seasonal period.

I for one don’t usually mind Christmas shopping, or so I think, until I actually go… This happens every year. I think “ooh” I’ll go to look in so and so in town and then immediately regret ever leaving the house.

Is this just me or am I a scrooge? The shops seem to be filled with mindless, wandering idiots. Mindless wandering idiots who seem to stop right in front you when you’re in a rush. They’ll just stop and stand, gorming into space; oblivious to all those around them. This happens when you go shopping normally, but at Christmas it triples. Every 4 steps and you’re stuck behind some slow, dithering fool who doesn’t know the difference between a trifle and another trifle.

But the worst place of all is Marks & Spencer. Especially the food section. I mean if you go in there you are literally walking into a ticking time bomb. Elderly people with trolleys? They should definitely not go together. Ever. You’ll be on one aisle forever waiting to get around the corner whilst two old women bump their trolleys into each other at least 4 times, until they eventually manage to veer the trolley in the right direction. One way to pass the time while you wait is to imagine a new form of Robot Wars (remember that with Craig Charles in the 90s?) but instead it could be old women with trolleys fighting for the last bag of sprouts. Imagine it though, but with two old women instead of four robots:

“FIRST FROM BOSTON, LINCOLNSHIRE, IT’S MENTAL MAUREEN WHOSE PLAN IS TO BUMP HER OPPONENT INTO OBLIVION”

“FROM LINCOLN TOWN CENTRE, IT’S NUTTY NORA WHO IS DESPERATE FOR THOSE SPROUTS TO COMPLETE HER CHRISTMAS DINNER”

“BIDDIES STAND BY… 3…2…1 ACTIVATE”

If you find yourselves sucked into Marks & Spencer around Christmas time. Think of this, and know you’re not alone in the pain of Christmas shopping. Oh, and if you need some light entertainment, you can always play this in the middle of the shop.