Many people like to try and reinvent themselves at the start of a New Year. But sadly, the people at Channel 5 don’t seem to have heard of “New Year, New You.”
In fact, New Year’s Eve is basically a day of the 1950s.
New Year’s Eve
There’s a Michael Buble’s Christmas Special (10.15 AM), which seems a little keen considering Christmas is 12 months way! Anyway, it’s basically an hour of Michael singing classic Christmas tracks. Let’s hope he doesn’t get bad luck.
Pal Joey (2.50 PM) is about a singer who moves to San Francisco and gets a job in a ‘seedy’ nightclub (ooh, raunchy). But then he falls in love (aww) and has to choose between that and his ‘career’. It was made in the 50s and sounds truly atrocious, but if it’s your thing then who are we to stop you!
It’s a bizarre tradition, but at this time of year a group of buff men are always brought together to see just who is the buffest of them all. We’re not talking about a strange spin-off of Snow White. We’re talking about World’s Strongest Man (8.00 PM). In an hour of nosebleeds and truck-pulling fun, the so called ‘heaviest hunks’ from all across the world fight it out for the title of World’s Strongest Man. How exciting.
In true Channel 5 tradition, there’s also a countdown style show. Greatest Stand-Up Comedians (9.00 PM) counts down, you guessed it, the top 50 stand-up comedians. It features Mrs. Doubtfire (we really hope he’s in costume), Joan Rivers and Jo Brand. It might be funny to start with, but you’ll soon realise it lasts longer than most Harry Potter films. At almost 3 hours long, it’s the perfect lullaby show.
New Year’s Day
Greystoke: the Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes (3.55 PM) is probably the longest titled Tarzan film ever made. It’s set in 1886 and sees a shipwrecked couple give birth to a child before presumably abandoning him. Without mentioning the NSPCC, John (the child – who knew Tarzan had such a boring name) ends up getting raised by apes. As you do.
Channel 5 really know how to celebrate and bring in 2014 with a bang. They’re getting the motors of every grandmother across the country running into overdrive with An Audience With Ken Dodd (9.00 PM). Like we said, it’s an absolute party. This was originally aired 20 years ago and will see a ‘star-studded’ audience asking Ken questions about his oh so exciting (and ever so slightly out of date) life. The audience includes all our favourite celebs (Molly Sugden, Warren Mitchell, James Fox – they’re just SO FAMOUS!)
The wild antics continue into the night with An Audience With Cliff Richards (10.55 PM). This is unfortunately just Cliff ‘singing’ alongside some big names like Another Level and Chicken Shed (we have no idea who they are either; maybe 2014 will be their year. Maybe). He also apparently gets up to some ‘outrageous antics’ with Les Dennis and Bobby Davro. We don’t wish to know what these are. The dirty minx.
There’s also the usual wartime drama thing in The Dam Busters (6.30 PM) and a repeat of Michael Buble’s Christmas Special (12.25 AM). They love daily repeats on this channel, don’t they?
If Channel 5 just isn’t doing it for you, you can also catch the usual stuff from 5* and 5USA. These include Winter Road Rescue (1 PM), Body Of Proof (4 PM) and CSI: NY (7 PM). What a treat.